he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Randomize