Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Randomize
