yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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