I wish my penis had an off switch
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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