this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
