Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
He shit in the fireplace
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
