R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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