My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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