i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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