so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
