A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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