youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize