Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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