when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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