I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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