She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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