I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
We have so much sex to catch up on
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
