So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
