I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
All I want is dick and wine.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
