My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
