he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
