shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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