Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
