I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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