I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
