I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
