Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
