i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize