Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
