Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
