the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
