Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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