the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Randomize