I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
