I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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