ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
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