just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
