I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
