My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
