Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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