my phone cant type all the emotion im having
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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