oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
