THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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