His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
