I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
