Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
