did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
