There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize