Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
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