why im i the only drunk person in the library?
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
