I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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