I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
