I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
