i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
