i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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