help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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